By Emily Morris, MS, LMFTA
Wheeler Family Health & Wellness Center, Hartford
When seeking therapy, most people generally have an idea of what they need help with, whether it’s to manage depression, deal with anxiety, or develop healthier ways of coping. In other words, people come to therapy to feel better and be able to enjoy life!
Perhaps you’ve found that even after months of individual therapy, that all of the positive changes you have made seem to somehow disappear outside of the therapy room. You feel motivated to change, but all of the same people and places that surround you have not changed, leaving you feeling stuck.
In order to really make meaningful progress, it’s important to look at our surrounding relationships. We recognize the possibility that something happening inside me is probably contributing to my relationships, and my relationships are probably contributing to whatever is happening inside me.
What happens within us affects our relationships, and what happens in our relationships affects us.
In other words, you may be feeling like, “Wait—the problem isn’t just me!”
Now, to be clear, this doesn’t necessarily mean that someone else is the problem. It just means that we don’t exist in isolation, and neither do our problems. It’s helpful to consider how your surrounding relationships may be contributing to what you are experiencing. Our relationships can be a source of comfort, support, and joy— or distress, misunderstanding, and anger.
Family dynamics are unique to each family system. Layered with other complexities like trauma, abuse, grief, substance use, and intergenerational patterns, what happens within one person can ripple through the entire family system.
Family therapy looks at the “in-between” of relationships—what is happening between each person? How do people tend to communicate? How do people deal with conflict or misunderstandings? Family therapy widens the focus; rather than looking only at individual symptoms and goals, family therapy looks at the relational patterns contributing to distress or poor functioning.
One of the strengths of family therapy is that it can remove blame and shame from individuals, by shifting accountability to the unhealthy dynamics occurring between family members. Put another way—the problem is rarely just one person!
Ongoing conflict may look like the same process repeating itself, with different triggering events. For example, in couple relationships, this could present as fighting about laundry, childcare, or family schedules. Perhaps every time a conflict comes up, one person may feel unappreciated, and then become critical of their partner, who then feels attacked, leaving the first person feeling even more alone and unseen. Family therapy looks at not just WHY the conflict is happening, but also HOW it is happening. In this example, the process of conflict looks the same every time:“attack, defend, withdrawal.” It is easy to see how the cycle can continue if left unchecked, leading to even more criticism and loneliness. Neither partner’s experience is imaginary, and it isn’t that one person necessarily caused the unhealthy cycle; at some point the pattern has taken on a life of its own and may show up in any number of situations. Understanding both why and how these types of patterns occur can help us understand ourselves more deeply, take accountability for the role we play in our relationship patterns, and make small changes that can have a big impact.
Some situations have a strong influence on the entire family. Consider disruptive child behavior, substance abuse, caregiver stress, and major family transitions like moving and divorce. These events are more than just individual issues; they have the potential to contribute to dysfunctional relationship patterns. Family therapy can help. More than just adding extra people in the room, family therapy allows the therapist to observe and work with the patterns between individuals. What roles may be contributing to unhealthy family functioning? You don't have to figure out which person is the problem before seeking help. Sometimes simply understanding the patterns in your relationships is where meaningful change begins.
If you feel that the system of relationships you find yourself in has become part of the problem, it may be time to consider whether it can become part of the solution.